Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name