Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.