Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

How funny!

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome