Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Kermit goes Blue.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?