Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Compass

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

“You’d better run, egg!”

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

me: *feels an emotion*

also me: who in the hell authorized this?!

#parenting

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

you can only post this today

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Do not steal food from the science building!

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

mom had nothing to worry about