Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no