Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge![]()
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.