Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”