Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

At ease

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.