Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
dril cadence
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here