Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

lmfao

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

still the best tweet of the year by far

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

✌️

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer