Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You Might Also Like
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened