Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be