Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

they really do be looking like this

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?