Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?