Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again