Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Based Erika

This guy gets it.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Steam Forums

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.