Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?