Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR