Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Rambo Rambow
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
School be like
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time