Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out