Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work