Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Rude much 😂😂😂

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.