Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Thursday Thought.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Peace was never an option
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”