Kids today will tell their kids how they had to walk up the stairs at home both ways to get to school

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Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.


If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.


*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please