@lukeplusone

Kids today will tell their kids how they had to walk up the stairs at home both ways to get to school

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@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@junejuly12

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@JustBeingEmma

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please