Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”