Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word