Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You Might Also Like
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
the short answer to this question
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.