Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
In case you needed to hear it:
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
plant them where lol
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here