Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
You Might Also Like
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
PLEASE READ
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you