Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
It’s on my to-do list.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.