Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
File under excellent bookstore names.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
This is a bad sign
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.