KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.