KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.