KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
not for long
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.