@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

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@RLRudge

This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken

@MomofTeen

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

@Laser_Cat

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@Awk0Tacoo

Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.

@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

@Nickadoo

Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.