Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Sending in my taxes

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me