Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Krampus.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]