kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.