Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.