Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot