Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

ㅤ

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.