Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
im gay on my mothers side
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy