Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.