Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

The Weeknd is back

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I don’t make the rules sorry

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”