Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever