Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Probably my best painting.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”