Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
i- i did not expect this
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food