Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
never stops being funny
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
