Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
