Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

WWE is French for “yes”

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.