“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
no such thing as a dumb question
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
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