“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
