Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

philosophical skeletons be like

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call