Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.