Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Why am I like this?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?