Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

this is the news I live for

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…