Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Generation gap…
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.