Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
You Might Also Like
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.