Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
You Might Also Like
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.