Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND