Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Holy moly
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy