Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you