Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Tough love is true love

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

A duv-egg? In this economy?

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello