Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

when a toddler tells a story

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

What if all the cashiers are married?

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.