Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone