Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache