Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
for all #parents out there
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*