Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Solving a traffic jam
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age