Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”