Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails