Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My five year plan is a meteorite
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY