Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash